My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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