Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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