Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
