They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
