Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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