My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
