I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
