Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
