never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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