She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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