I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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