you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
