she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i need some magic done to my vagina
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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