Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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