Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
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You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
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Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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