A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
did i walk over a car last night?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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