Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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