I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
