I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
