so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
