the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
