I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
