He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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