some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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