My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
