Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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