"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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