Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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