Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
