every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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