ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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