It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
