Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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