Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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