Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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