I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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