You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
