Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
