do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Is it because I queefed?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
