Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
OPIZZABONMYDICK
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
