I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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