please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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