i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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