i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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