The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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