Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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