i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
