Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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