Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
