Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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