No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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