i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
