I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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