I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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