Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
