where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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