Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
