Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
